The Best of John Zoidberg

War is the H-Word
Nurse: Are you ready to operate, Doctor?
Zoidberg: I’d love to, but first I have to perform surgery.

IHAWK
Gee, Zoidberg. Leave some for the enemy
to kill.
NURSE
Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone. He has twice
the training you do
IHAWK
Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher!

Zoidberg: I’m afraid he’s gone
Soldier: Whoa, Doc, I aint dead
Zoidberg: Excuse me, I believe I'm the doctor
IHawk: Believe it all you want, that won't
make it true. (mauldlin) This isn't
a war, it's a murder. (irreverent)
This isn't a war, it's a moider!

Love’s Labours Lost in Space
Amy: There’s plenty of places to meet people.
Hermes: The Federal Sex Bureau
Bender: A saucy puppet show
Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale

I Second that Emotion
Bender: Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg puts a book down and stands up from the table.]
Zoidberg: [reluctant] Alright, I'm coming.

Amy: Hey, look at Nibbler!
[Nibbler is sat in a high-chair at the table and chews a spoon.]
Hermes: Aww, he's holding a spoon.
Zoidberg: He's so talented!

Why Must I Be A Crustacean In Love?
Zoidberg: I'm feeling less nuts, thank you, because tomorrow I will be depositing my jelly in the cloacal vents of a female. [sexfully] If you catch my drift.
Fry: [nudging Zoidberg] Who's the lucky lobsterina?
Zoidberg: I don't know yet. But I shall attract one this afternoon with an erotic display.
Leela: It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast.
Zoidberg: Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material.
Fry: You and me both, brother!

Fry: OK, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?
Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.
Fry: No. Tell her she's special.
Zoidberg: But she's not. She's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.
Fry: Well, tell her that. And then?
Zoidberg: Then mating.
Fry: No. Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. [Zoidberg raises his hand.] Yes?
Zoidberg: Is "desire to mate" a feeling?
Fry: You're not even trying!
[Zoidberg buries his head in his claws and groans.]
Zoidberg: It's all so complicated with the flowers and the romance and the lies upon lies.
Fry: OK, OK, don't worry. The love meister will take you under his wing.
Zoidberg: What? Now there's a bird involved?

Zoidberg: I choose my own claws! I want the tactile pleasure of chopping him right here in the gonads!
[He points at Fry's neck.]
Fry: Shh! Nobody correct him!

Put Your Head On My Shoulders
Zoidberg: You're both very lucky. I'd pay anything to end my miserable loneliness. If only I weren't so desperately poor.

A Clone Of My Own
Zoidberg: Good evening, ladies and germs. [The band plays a rimshot.] That wasn't a joke, I was talking to Dean Streptococcus. [In the audience a big green germ waves.] Now, I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon. [He grins. There is no rimshot and the audience don't laugh. A man drums his fingers on the table.] Hey, Ringo, that was the joke. Oh, it's Showtime at the Apollo all over again.

Zoidberg: You? The successor? Over my empty shell! The Professor will pick me. Only I have his lobster-like tenacity.
[He clacks his claws.]
Hermes: Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams things. The only sensible way to choose a successor is with a limbo contest.

Cubert: As long as I'm going to be in charge here, let me examine my so-called "crew", if it can so be called. First of all, Dr. Zoidberg, do you even have a medical degree?
Zoidberg: I lost it ... in a volcano.

The Deep South
Farnsworth: You'll never catch anything with that primitive technology. What you need is this fish pheromone. [He pulls out a spray can.] The most potent aphrodisiac known to fishkind. [He shakes the can and tries to spray it on his line but he is holding it the wrong way so it sprays back in his face.] Uh-oh!
[Several fish leap up to his head. He screams and knocks them off. Zoidberg comes up behind him and sniffs him.]
Zoidberg: [sexfully] I'm so into you!
[He wraps his mouth flaps around Farnsworth's head and slurps.]
Farnsworth: Oh, my!

Leela: Wake up, everyone! I've got something. And this time it's alive! [She pulls out another boot with Zoidberg on the end of it and groans.] Dr. Zoidberg, since when do you even wear boots?
Zoidberg: I wasn't wearing it. [ashamed] I was eating it.
[Leela sighs and lets go of the rope.]

Zoidberg: Wait! I'll save us! By cutting the unbreakable diamond filament! [He snips at the tether with his claw but it doesn't break.] Well, at least I'll die with my friends. Hello?
[The others shut the turret hatch behind them and the water line creeps towards Zoidberg. He climbs in and shuts it behind him. The ship lurches forward and disappears under the water and the staff scream. Something floats to the surface.]

[Time Lapse. The trio search for food next to a sunken wreck. Fry lifts a skull and crossbones flag.]
Zoidberg: Careful, Fry, I think that flag might be poisonous.
[Bender emerges from the boat wearing a pirate hat and an eye patch and carrying some bottles.]
Bender: Ahoy, mateys! I shanghaied us some hearty grub. [He opens the bottle and tries to drink what is in it but the liquid just drips out and trails away from him in the ocean current.] Arr! The laws o' science be a harsh mistress!

Zoidberg: What is it, Fry?
Fry: [blubbering] Mermaid.
Bender: You want some lemonade? You saw a big parade?
Zoidberg: Your student loans have been repaid? Then how 'bout lending your old pal Zoidberg a few bucks, Mr. Millionaire!

Zoidberg: You know, Fry, I've got a little place just outside town. You could come visit, maybe?
[Fry looks at the Colonel who shakes his head.]
Fry: Sorry, Zoidberg. I'm trying to join the country club.

Bender: [crying] Oh, Fry! [He bawls.] I'll miss you!
[He leaves and the Colonel waves.]
Colonel: Y'all come back now, y'hear?
Farnsworth: [shouting] Let's go, damnit! Let's go!
[Scene: Ships Airlock. Farnsworth opens the door and the staff walk in. Zoidberg stops outside.]
Zoidberg: Well, I guess this is goodbye for me as well.
Leela: Whatever.
Amy: Later.
Farnsworth: Bye.
[Cut to: Seabed. Zoidberg turns away sadly and the door closes behind him. He screams. His shell is a burned ruin.]
Zoidberg: No! My home! It burned down! [Hermes and Bender walk out of the ship. Zoidberg cries.] [crying] How did this happen?
Hermes: That's a very good question.
[Bender picks something up.]
Bender: So that's where I left my cigar.
[He smokes it.]
Hermes: That just raises further questions!

Anthology of Interest I
Zoidberg: What’s this? Two meals in one week?

Parasites Lost
Zoidberg: Hmm. We'll need to have a look inside you with this camera. [He holds up an endoscope. Fry opens his mouth.] Guess again.
[Fry's expression changes to worried.]

Zoidberg-Droid: Quick! We can escape through that nasal capillary into the sinus.
[Cut to: Fry's Nose. Amy turns the ship around and the ship heads for the hole.]
[Cut to: Miniature Ships Cockpit.]
Hermes-Droid: Strange. Usually you don't know anything about human anatomy.
Zoidberg-Droid: I learned it from a decongestant commercial. [echoing] "Soothing action, action, action, action..."

Where the Buggalo Roam
Mrs. Wong: OK, then. Make yourselves at home.
[Zoidberg stands on the landing, dressed in a bathrobe. He is holding a green bottle.]
Zoidberg: Don't mind if I already did. By the way, do you have anymore of this Dom Perignon bubble bath? There was only enough to fill the tub halfway.

Zoidberg: Mom! Dad! Don't ask me to choose!
Amy: They're not your parents, I'm not your sister and that's not your golf cart.
Zoidberg: Aw!

Zoidberg: Captain Brannigan, you're always welcome here at Rancho Zoidberg!
[Cut to: The Wongs' Porch. Zoidberg is thrown out. He hits his head on a post and scoffs.]
Zoidberg: Money doesn't make good people, no, siree!

Anthology of Interest II
Zoidberg: And I’m the other guy, courage. Not enough of it. Need some from whatshisname.
Roswell That Ends Well
Truman: If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you're here to make war, we surrender.
Zoidberg: Both good. The important thing is I'm meeting new people.
Truman: Bushwah! Now what's your mission? Are you planning to make some kind of alien-human hybrid?
Zoidberg: Are you coming onto me?
Truman: Hot crackers! I take exception to that!
Zoidberg: [sexfully] I'm not hearing a no.

Future Stock
Zoidberg: This company's circling the drain, I tell you. I'd sell my stock right now for a sandwich!
Steve Castle: Sold!
[He takes a sandwich out of a Miami Vice lunchbox and hands it to Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: A complete sandwich? [He laughs.] You got fleeced! I would have settled for a hard roll with ketchup inside!

Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch
Fry: Check it out, y'all. Everyone we invited is here.
Zoidberg: Also Zoidberg!

Less Than Hero
Zoidberg: I've got just the thing: Genuine miracle cream I bought from a travelling salesman. [Fry and Leela squeeze some onto their hands and rub it on themselves.] "Come one, come all," he said. "Step right up!" "This sounds too good to be true," I thought. He said I looked like a smart, young man. "So is it a deal?" I enquired. Two hours later he was gone, with 60 of my dollars. But I have the miracle cream--

The Sting
Zoidberg: [singing] Ain't got no cash,
Ain't got no style,
Ladies vomit when I smile,
But does Zoidberg worry?
Feh! You wish!

The Farnsworth Parabox
Zoidberg: In my experience, boxes are usually empty. Or maybe with a little cheese stuck to the top. And one time pepperoni! [He clasps his claws together.] What a day that was! [He screams and pushes Fry and Bender out of the way.] [shouting] Give me the box!

Three Hundred Big Boys
Zoidberg: Say, this reminds me of that time I ate that other watch Kif gave you.
Amy: Hey, it is kinda like that.
Zoidberg: To induce vomiting, that was the solution. Everywhere it went! [He chuckles.] What a Valentine's Day that was!

Zoidberg: What? It's not even scratch and sniff? But if rich people think it's good, I'll buy it. [He waves his $300 around.] One art, please!

The Devil’s Hands Are Idle Playthings
Zoidberg: [shouting] Yes you can! The beauty was in your heart, not your hands. [Fry picks the holophonor up and plays a bad tune. A crude holo-scene forms. A crude Holo-Fry and Holo-Leela walk out of some houses and stare at each other. The audience "boos".] The music's bad and you should feel bad.

Bender’ Game
Zoidberg: What is it, already? What's the cause of your anger?
Leela: I guess I would have to say, I hate you. [The collar emits a shock.]

Zoidberg: I'm beginning to understand. It all goes back to your parents.
Leela: What? [The collar is intermittently shocking her now.]

Zoidberg: You harbour resentment because they pushed you to study medicine when all you ever wanted was to be a song-and-dance man. [He dances around and sings a tune then falls to his knees and sobs.] Why? Whyyy?
Leela: I was raised in an orphanarium. My parents are sewer mutants who I never even met until a few years ago.
Zoidberg: Then you've got to go to them and work this song-and-dance stuff out. Maybe have them cook me nice dinner. No scallions. I hate them. (To an intercom:) Amy, cancel my appointments.
Amy: Stop calling me!